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Slowly

by Social Anxiety

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05:41

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I'm depressed. There, now that the band-aid is ripped off, we both can move beyond it. There doesn't need to be any pageantry about it. My depression is raw, it's real, and it's debilitating. I don't need to resort to pretty sounding rhetoric to hide the extent of it's debilitation anymore, I need to be direct and vocal about it. My depression causes the very fabric of my being to rip apart at the seams until I question the meaning and value of everything that was holding me together and start rejecting its presence and precedent in my life. My depression pushes people away because before fairly recently I did have the tendency to hide it's extent in the language I used addressing it's existence. I've suffered from depressive episodes of varying degrees since I was a child. The depression and anxiety I felt as a child is what probably made me so introverted, so hidden, so mysterious to many. People have often commented during the times they catch me lost in my own head that I look like a deep thinker, but the truth is, the main voice I'm hearing in times like that is one saying "You can't do this."

I believed that voice for a long time. I let my depression turn me into a recluse and drug addict, constantly teetering on the brink of suicidal ideation and manic hyper-vigilance. I don't listen to that voice anymore. However, trying to drown it out it's clarity in my head through a daily routine becomes exhausting from time to time and right now I am exhausted. I know I'm not empty, but I feel empty, and I wish I could will away this depressive episode, but there is simply not enough willpower in the world to do that. I need distraction, I need immersion, I need to divert my exhaustion into something creative. I may need help, but I don't know yet in what form that help would be most valuable. People constantly come to me for answers to everything, but honestly, I'm as lost as they are, just in different ways. I'm taking this life thing day-by-day because that's all I can do. That's all that works for me. Granted, it doesn't work all the time but it works enough of the time to make me keep doing it. That's the key, though: persistence. Some days I lose a battle to my depression and anxiety. Some days, I win a battle. Sometimes those wins or loses repeat for a few days depending on the momentum I'm creating but at the end of the day the war is mine to win.

My honest interpretation of my depression is that it is centered around my ego and what I think people and the world owe me. In micro terms, I mean a lot - to the people who chose to associate themselves with me, spend their days, night, and lives with me. On the macro level though, in cosmic terms, I'm insignificant. Like I say in "BAPHOMET 3.0": "We're just the algae floating in this cosmic ocean". Sometimes I get my macro-insignificance bleed into micro-significance and that's what depresses me and pushes people away. What I often forget though, is that the macro is made up of micro instances that add up to infinity and that I, much like everything else, am a part of an overall balancing force that I call the universe.

Your depression shouldn't be the end of you, it should be the beginning of an inspiring story. I've known many people to let it be their end and I'm still learning how to accept that they will never be able to text me back again, smile at me, or just simply exist. But they existed and were monumental in my becoming me, so I try to focus on the meaning in their life rather than try to scramble for the meaning in their death because there is no meaning in death, it simply is an inevitability, as I try to relay in "Slowly". My depression will not be the end of me. It will be the beginning of what I hope will be a story that will inspire others to see their days through. Suicide is a period at the end of life. Don't leave life with a period, leave it with an exclamation! You are beautiful. You are worthy. You have value. Not because of what you can produce for society, simply because you exist and that's what is important.

Love,
Social Anxiety (Armando Flores Jr.)

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released September 17, 2016

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Track Name: Slowly
You never see what you have ‘till the room starts spinning
You never see how much you’ve lost ‘till you start winning
You never see what things cost ‘till you’ve spent your last penny
You never see who is gone ‘till they can’t text back they’re ready
I’ve got a lot of dead friends who met dead ends, I’m deadened
I’d like to say they’re in heaven but I can’t pretend that’s where I’m headed
I’m not afraid of the end, I’m just afraid of it being for nothing
I’m not afraid of living, I’m just afraid I’m not living for something

You never see where you’re at ‘till the walls start caving in
You never see nothing lasts ‘till you’re burying family and friends
You never see that you can ‘till your loved ones say you can’t
You never see you can stand ‘till you fall back down again
I’ve got a lot of dark thoughts about dark spots, I’m darkly wrought
Some days are better than others, but most of them I’m just distraught
I’m not afraid of the end, I’m just afraid of nobody caring
I’m not afraid of living, I’m just afraid ‘cause depression is scary

You never see who you’re not ‘till your reflection is clear
You never see where you’ve gone ‘till the end is near
You never see everyone’s lost ‘till no one is there
You never see you’re the one ‘till no one else compares
I’ve had a lot of good times and bad times, they’ve all gotta count for something
But at the end of the day I’m afraid that my pain will mean nothing
I’m not afraid of the end, I’m just afraid it’s already coming
I’m not afraid of living, I’m just afraid I’m living for the wrong thing

You never see what they gave ‘till you’re trying to do the same
You never see your true place ‘till you get caught up in those chains
You never see what’s fake ‘till something real comes your way
You never see true hate ‘till you try to love what you create
I’ve got a lot of spent days circling my brain like a plane waiting for a lane
But the runways aren’t open and I’m running out of gas in this tank
I’m not afraid of the end, I’m just trying to delay destruction
I’m not afraid of living, I’m just trying to make it more constructive

And I’m holding on…
I’m holding on…
I’ll keep holding on…
I’m holding on...