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The E​.​P​.​'s of S​.​A​.​, Vol. 1

by Social Anxiety

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credits

released December 8, 2014

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Social Anxiety Los Angeles, California

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Track Name: The Boy Who Thought Himself Mad (feat. A-Man-Duh)
He was born in a middle class suburban home
But ever since his grandparent’s split he felt alone
He felt like he never had a place to call his own
So he dreamed up a world in which he could roam
From early on his imagination was his best friend
Cuz only in his imagination he didn’t wish he were dead
His parents loved him but they never paid attention
To that boiling kettle of kid that they were raising
He dreamed of the day he would make his mark
But a day in his life was like swimming with sharks
Maybe he should’ve asked for help, that’d have been a start
But you’re always the last to know when your mind falls apart

Let’s hear the story of the boy who thought himself mad
A victim of the pharmaceutical industries plan
Did you ever imagine you could think yourself insane?
You can, you can, you can, you can

“What’s so scary about schizophrenia?” you might say
How would you feel if your mind was constantly trapped in a maze?
Where not even the drugs can break you out of the haze
Or lift the veil up and clear away your sanity’s decay
You go to the psychiatrist for some help
But all they do is prescribe the pills, the pills, the pills
The doctors say they’ll tranquilize your brain
Until it reaches some semblance of sane
And from then on you’ll spend your days sleeping in
You’ll feel like a zombie from The Night of the Living Dead
And soon your friends will see that you’re a mess
At least the few friends that you managed to have kept

Let’s hear the story of the boy who thought himself mad
A victim of the pharmaceutical industries plan
Did you ever imagine you could think yourself insane?
You can, you can, you can, you can
Let’s hear the story of the boy who thought himself mad (do-wop-wop)
A victim of the pharmaceutical industries plan (do-wop-wop)
Did you ever imagine you could think yourself insane? (do-wop-wop)
You can, you can, you can, you can (do-wop-wop)

The voices in my head – they won’t go away
The voices in my head – they’re here to stay
The voices in my head – they won’t go away
The voices in my head – they’re here to stay

He didn’t think exploring the further recesses of his mind
Would ever end him up in a mental hospital
But instead all his thinking drove him insane
He’s psychonaut who’s got a problem with his brain

He’s constantly looking over his shoulder
He thinks that everyone is laughing at him behind his back
He thinks the world is out to get him, even his friends
And there ain’t no coming back from thoughts like that
He stopped eating because he thought his food was poisoned
And the medicine is making him lose even more weight
So now all you see in him is a skeleton
Begging for peace even if it’s only for a second
He can’t deal with the voices in his head
They keep telling him to do himself in
He never thought suicide was an option
Until his own head was telling him to do it
And his skull feels like a coffin
For a brain that is as good as dead
And everything he’s read on the internet
Doesn’t quite compare to how this really is
Good days for him don’t happen quite often
But that’s his life and he deals with it

Let’s hear the story of the boy who thought himself mad
A victim of the pharmaceutical industries plan
Did you ever imagine you could think yourself insane?
You can, you can, you can, you can
Let’s hear the story of the boy who thought himself mad (do-wop-wop)
A victim of the pharmaceutical industries plan (do-wop-wop)
Did you ever imagine you could think yourself insane? (do-wop-wop)
You can, you can, you can, you can (do-wop-wop)
Track Name: The Kids
Lithium, Xanax, and Abilify
That’s what the kids are made of
Drinking all night and getting high
Hoping they find an answer tonight
Our youth is torn, sedated and worn
Hardrives full of internet porn
You hear a .45 ring out in the sky
Another teenager just upped and died
What is the reason for this life of lies?
Passing you by with no future in sight
My generation is more fucked up than yours
Always waiting for that next big score
Always waiting for that next big break
Looking for things that even god couldn’t save
The trouble is all mine, none of it’s yours
This is what life is like when kids wage wars

We worship Disney channel stars and American idols
Because a broken home is no role model
We pray to the people on the TV screen
And you wonder why so many people can’t sleep?
You give us pills to validate your beliefs
And then expect us to still feel and think?
You go on about the American Dream
But we can’t fuckin’ dream if we can’t fuckin’ sleep
You make our lives out to be so easy and free
But I’m still cleanin’ up the mess my forefathers left me
You say children are the future, what future have you left us?
Public education from the back of a bus
This world in twenty years will be an ungodly sight
Yet you still protect our ears with your venomous lies
What you’re really protecting us from is life
This is what it feels like to have your childhood die
Track Name: Hopeless
I’m tired of playing the part of the bad guy
When I’m the one with the good guy eyes
The eyes that can see past the outside
And locate your heart on the inside
I promise I will always be a gentleman
I’ll open doors for you and hold your hand
When you cry I will wipe away your tears
When you’re scared I will take away your fears
If I love you I won’t be afraid to say it
If I love you I won’t be afraid to show it
I can’t promise that I’ll never hurt you
But I swear I’ll try my best not to
If you think you’ve got problems, well so do I
But we can see each other through the darkest nights
If you think you’re fucked up, well I am too
At least now I can be fucked up with you

There’s a piece of my heart that’s missing
A place where someone like you needs to be
I’m tired of always feeling like I’m empty
I’d just like someone to fill this void
There’s a piece of you that no one sees
At least no one but me
Am I a hopeless romantic?
Or am I just - hopeless?

I’m tired of sleeping by myself at night
Sleep comes easier with someone at my side
If I had that someone I would be alright
She could lie in my arms all night
You shouldn’t depend on me for your happiness
But you can depend on me to love you the best
I’ll make every other guy wish he were me
I’ll make every other girl jealous that you have me
I’ll buy you flowers and write you letters
I’ll be there for you when you need a shoulder
I won’t leave you when things get hard
And I won’t forget you if we depart
I’ll make your world seem brand new
And I swear that I will do right by you
It’ll be you and me versus the world
The world doesn’t stand a chance because you’re my girl

There’s a piece of my heart that’s missing
A place where someone like you needs to be
I’m tired of always feeling like I’m empty
I’d just like someone to fill this void
There’s a piece of you that no one sees
At least no one but me
Am I a hopeless romantic?
Or am I just - hopeless?

There’s a piece of my heart that’s missing
A place where someone like you needs to be
I’m tired of always feeling like I’m empty
I’d just like someone to fill this void
There’s a piece of you that no one sees
At least no one but me
Am I a hopeless romantic?
Or am I just - hopeless?
Track Name: 6.24.06
I pressed my lips against the sunrise to witness the diamond sky
While she stood by my side with tears in her eyes
I turned to her and asked if she wanted to ride or drive
But all she could reply was, “I want to die”
She’s three hits in and a funeral away
All I want to do is leave but she’s begging me to stay
But the slits on her wrists are driving me insane
I don’t love you but I care too much to dissipate

Julianna was a fiend born in broken dreams
Just a hospital stay away from the obituary page
Her walls were plastered with pictures of things that she would never see
And all the people that she had wished that she could be
Have you ever had a day where you just didn’t want to be you?
Well she felt that way about herself everyday
I tried my hardest to compensate for her loneliness
But kindness in this situation only leads to madness

I met her in 05 on the 19th of October
She wasn’t trying very hard to act like she was sober
I saw her clear across the room; she looked like an angel I swear
Hours later she took me to her room and let me tug on her hair
And something sort of sparked out of that nothingness
Before I knew it, my heart was beating out my chest
But soon I would realize that she was a fucking mess
I swear that she was a goddamn train wreck

She had daddy issues that gave skyscrapers competition
She had a fascination for all things ammunition
She was Cinderella with a Rambo-style knife collection
She spent her final days trying to prey on my attention
But love is the one thing that I’ve always lacked
And I never thought when she left that I’d want her back
But then again I never thought she’d exit through a ceiling fan
And I haven’t slept for years ‘cause now all I think about is that

I believe your death freed you from all the pain and the strife
And all of the anguish that was in your life
But I swear I tried my hardest to love you that whole time
But it just couldn’t be done
And now I spend my time just getting high
Trying to forget that you were ever a part of my life
I think I believe in a hell, I visit it every night
Just like how you used to paint your sins on your skin with a knife
And I was the patzi for your existence
The Joker in your deck, the sweat to your fever
And it’s not that I feel like something is missing
I’d just like anything that’ll turn my nothing into something
But you are the cause for my indifference
The pains in my chest, the latter of my insignificance
My careless repertoire of laughs at my existence
The crude and unusual way I go about living
But just as you know there are worse things than death
Like living your life with your back to the wind
You have to embrace it and let it carry you away
You have to let it fill you from within
Let it fill your chest with life anew
It will show you which road to choose
And now that I know this is the answer
Julianna, for my conscience your death has lost its luster
Track Name: Los Angeles
Architecture of a picture perfect façade
Little did I know the moment was gone
The bay broke my heart, on the road again
Heading back home to Los Angeles
A fallen city with a permanent fixture of bliss
With a sky so dark from the touch of heaven’s kiss
I’ve been staring so long at this world’s abyss
I’ve forgot to locate the feelings that I missed

The angels ignited my wistful residence
I returned a reply in full resonance
Once again it looks like I’ve been led astray
I’d shoot a hole through the sky if it bled the day

Dusted off dreams ripe with decay
A snow globe that melted on a sunny day
A picturesque feeling that I’ve put away
As I took the train back home to L.A.
A sign from the heavens that we let fade
Just like it was a Polaroid picture memory
I sang the blues to the tune of my misery
Threw in a groove and got this melody

I left the trees and the leaves for the sound of the sea
Got tired of the breeze and came back to the city
Measured my chances like the lives of a cat
I’m on my last one so there’s no going back
I found in you what I had always lacked
A sense of stability that I never had
I would’ve given you the world and that’s a fact
But it’s little too late now you blew your chance
You saw in me what scared you the most
A chance to settle down and become a ghost
I’ve always been so afraid of ending up alone
I’ve never embraced loneliness as my own
But love isn’t something that is set in stone
I gave up and then I came back home

Los Angeles (x44)
Track Name: Ants Stole My Homework
Blow up the towers to invade Iraq
Nuclear waste from the lips of Uncle Sam
My heart did a tour in Afghanistan
Far away from the Promised Land
The Pentagon’s still standing, well how about that?
And what about that nifty Halliburton contract?
Do Blackwater guys really wear black?
How do you dress for Christmas in Iran?
Summers are hot in Israel
Especially with people blowing shit to hell
The Gaza Strip was a huge ordeal
The US acted like it wasn’t even real

Intervention is an exhibitionists trade
Just to kill bin Laden and Saddam Hussein
Blood spilled to trade oil for cash
Defense contractors have the dirtiest hands
Iraq threw up the white flag
To surrender their oil to Exxon Mobil
They’re pulling 2.5 million barrels per day
But gas prices are high in the USA
We shot bin Laden and hung Hussein
So why are there still soldiers in the Middle East?
The U.S. says their spreading freedom and peace
Well, what’s so peaceful about an M16?
Saudi’s blew up the World Trade
Yet we won’t touch them cuz they’ve got oil in spades
You might not like how the game is played
But that’s how things are done in the US of A
Track Name: Phallic
I’m a lo-fi spectacle, imbalance of chemicals
With a fascination that borders on Oedipal
My message is epochal, subtly sensible
No one ever said hip-hop had to be conventional
My wisdom is appropriate, dissociative
I mix together words like they’re opiates
My words are slightly phallic, completely encephalic
Music is my drug and I can’t live without it

I’m onto you [x8]

It’s time for a confession; wordplay’s an obsession
Paranoia plastered on a page makes for a good rap session
My memory’s blank from repression, an ideological suppression
Catholic school punished me for all of my transgressions
Now I’m a social flunky, Ziprasidone junkie
Wellbutrin dosage determines my own well-being
You can say I’m pretty lucky, I think it’s kinda funny
This monkey’s still on my back flingin’ shit at me

I’m onto you [x16]
(Hiding from the light when the sun is out to bite
This reality is trite, so why I should I abide?)

If you think I’m kinda dark then you’re probably kinda right
My words hide from the sun to make love to the night
There’s a piece of me in every line I write
Call me misanthropic, call me stubborn, call this blight
Patterns emerge when I jot down a phrase
I’ll be playing with words until I’m old with age
Finding rhyme schemes in a psychotropic haze
But no one ever said that being different pays
And I’m no longer sticking needles into my veins
Even the darkest of hearts see the brightest of days
I didn’t beat my past; I just turned the page
And you better be prepared for the hell that I raise
I’m back on the map and I ain’t holding back
You feel that in your chest? It’s a heart attack!
I’m back from the dead and I’m here to stay
Noir from good old Californi-a
Track Name: Audience
Would you think that I was still beautiful if I told you I was a liar
and that I have one foot out the door and one foot in the funeral pyre?
Or that all that I have been through has made me the product of misdirection
and that all I’ll ever be for you is another missed connection?
Does it make you feel insecure when I show you my true weakness
or when you’re an audience to the despair that facilitates my neuroses?
Or because I’ve got a bone to pick with my closet full of skeletons
because all they do is mix clever words with shots of arrogance?
Would you still think I was intelligent when I get caught up in my words
while I try to explain the condition of man is to gather into a herd?
Or will you come to the conclusion that I’m not really perfect
but you still think that this struggle with me is completely worth it?
Would you believe me if I told you that god was really dead
And that all that’s left is this idea engrained inside of our heads?
And that the only thing we’re praying to before we go to sleep at night
Is a universe full of stars and sky full of fireflies?

Come to me you precious thing
Bleed a dream, while you drink for me
Come to me you ferocious being
Sleep easy, while I drink for three
Come to me you sedated thing
Feed this feeling while you bleed for me
Come to me you fragile being
Thirst for me while I die for everything

Would you still think that I was strong if I just broke down and cried
cuz in the past 21 years of my life this is the first time that I’ve felt alive?
Or what if I told you that a sad state of affairs would be the pinnacle of this blight
but that even the darkest of nights can hide a tiny figment of sunlight?
Would you trust me if I told you that I don’t feel like this that often
and that my approach to things like this is to proceed with extreme caution?
Or that feelings like this for me aren’t really out of the ordinary
But the results of our conclusions depend entirely on the arbitrary?
Does it trip you out when I talk so nonchalantly about my past
And about everything in this world that made me exactly the way I am?
Or does it provoke a sense of wonder or questions in your head
As to how I’ve made it this far in the world with only a pen and paper to fight off the dread?
Would you still want to be around me if I hadn’t dug myself out of this mess
Or are you still surprised to find that after all of this I am still a wreck?
And that maybe things really haven’t changed that much for me
Or maybe this is just who I am really supposed to be?

Come to me you precious thing
Bleed a dream, while you drink for me
Come to me you ferocious being
Sleep easy, while I drink for three
Come to me you sedated thing
Feed this feeling while you bleed for me
Come to me you fragile being
Thirst for me while I die for everything
Track Name: The Drugs
It was a deafening sound that brought me down
A couple of hits and a night on the town
Out of a couple of cans that we found on the ground
I’m standing right here but I’m nowhere to be found
In a city where everyone’s running a scam
A scam that turned me into the scum of the land
I love my parents but I know it’s hard for them to pretend
That they don’t regret the idea of what I am
And I’ve got a laundry list of doubts in my head
But a couple of Vicodins will quiet them
And if I haven’t nodded off or dropped dead
Then I’ll take a few more (here’s to looking ahead)
I never thought I’d live to see my twenties
Hell, 19 years old even seemed scary
Never wanted a family and gave up on life
But you know what? (Fuck it)
I’ve got this cancer in my soul that keeps the pipe cherried
And a deep dark secret that remains buried
And this weight on my shoulders that I continually carry
As the heart in my chest continually gets weary
And I’ll never go to Yale or be good at sports
But I’ve dug myself out of hell to no award
But the chance to take my life by the horns
And finally get rid of this crown of thorns
I found out how to use my pen like a sword
But a pen and a paper is more than I can afford
But I’ve never been one to take being ignored
But I’ve also never been one to be adored
This ain’t no pretty story about a good morning
It’s an ugly little tale about a lot of mourning
So you can take this little bit as your forewarning
But I’m at a point in time where my story needs adorning

I used to dance in the moonlight with a bottle of Cuervo
Drank until my heart beat out of its torso
Wasted time while wasted so I could find
A pattern of colors that I could call mine
But you’ll never be yourself when you’re somebody else
Never get to heaven when you’re trapped in hell
I’ve never said a prayer and actually meant it
Never thought I’d waste so much time with my methods
I’ve been trapped by the ruins of my former life
A cellblock in a prison that never sufficed
I’m the product of a wasted and faded generation
Who’s stuck looking to the sky for salvation
Running and running around in circles again
Trying to find a god that they could befriend
Trying to pretend there’s a wound that they could mend
The wounds are there, there’s no need to pretend
I’m picking open the scab and letting myself in
I’ve never known how to say when it’s enough
I’ve always been known to take on too much
With that said, I’ve been known to misjudge
I’ve got a bottle full of sorrows and it’s overflowing
And I’m a big bad wolf trapped in sheep’s clothing
Walked away from you and said “here’s to hoping”
Cuz I don’t have any veins left for poking
I’m a picture of accomplishment when I’m at my best
But I’m a fucking asshole when I’m a wreck
And I’ll take it out on the world like it’s their fault
Because the world is to blame by default
And that’s the hypocrisy that lives in me
And on occasion it tends to bleed
Although the colors in me never run red
It just looks that way inside my head
I’ll be a force to be reckoned with in the end
On a good day I’ll think I’m heaven sent
If I can just stay clean there’d be nothing to amend
Cuz I want to be the man that my parents can commend
You might think it’s simple but that just ain’t so
I’m a walking image of the bleeding heart show
Yeah, no more taking hits of blow
Had to grow up, that shit had to go
I wasted enough time with a bunch of assholes
Sitting around a coffee table packing bowl after bowl
Never in my life did I ever have a goal
To be the kind of guy that people could extol
There comes a time in all of our lives
When we have to put an end to a chapter of our life
But the book is strictly for you to write
And sobriety is writing mine tonight
Track Name: Revolution By Night
She’s calling; she’s calling me to dine
Another word to whisper on a cold winter night
But I should’ve kissed her when the time was right
But her lips were made of snakes and there were diamonds in her eyes
But that should suffice;
I’ve been hiding from the sun in the dead of night
I’ve been hiding from the world in the words that I write
Trying to paint a picture of this part of my life
And you are my canvas;
My paintbrush is a book of matchsticks
I’ll light another match to spark the fuse
The light will help me paint a better picture of you
With this new picture I’ll have paid my dues
When all hope is lost, I am hopeless for you
When I’m at my best you feel this too
When I’m at my worst I am a recluse
If all there is left for you to do is laugh
Well then I guess that life isn’t so bad
If all there is left for you to do is smile
Then I hope that you’ll stick around for a while
Cuz you’re a work of art in the depths of my heart
With oceans of emotions abound at the start
A piece of me stays with you every time we depart
But a piece of you acts as the muse to my art

She’s calling; she’s calling me tonight
Three shots down and she thinks that she can fly
And she probably could if she really tried
As long as these Icarus wings stay out of sunlight
She flies my heart on a string just like it were a kite
It beats wearing it on my sleeve all the time
It beats hiding it in my stomach every time
The wolves come out just to take a bite
And I wonder still if she has had her fill
But I’m getting too close so I’ve gotta chill
This game we play is just a test of will
And it’s not always easy, so I know that it’s real
But the night always brings insecurities to light
So I’ve learned to stay focused and hold on tight
cuz if it’s worth sticking through it then it’s worth the fight
And if it’s worth the fight, then we’re both alright
but when you’re at your best you’re a portrait of faith
and when you’re at your worst you’re the definition of grace
and I get it, sometimes you feel out of place
but that’s okay, cuz sometimes I feel that way
you’re the image of a goddess with the voice of an angel
and i’m willing to admit I got caught in Cupid’s strangle
I know reality is grim if you’re looking from the wrong angle
but truth is hiding there ready to get untangled
the future is up in the air, ready for inspection
cuz in the end all you need is perspective
and what’s life like without a little misdirection?
Cuz life’s complexities formed our connection
Track Name: The Misanthrope
Kill them with kindness and your favorite set of knives
I’m on the warpath now with no chemicals in sight
My head is a party and it’s getting crowded in here
So let’s switch out the music and change up the atmosphere
You’re in the back of the bus; I’m at the front of the line
You’re all fucked up and I am doing just fine
But I’ve got tunnel vision and you’re out of sight
So fuck who you are, you just became one of my lines
I invented this definitely damaged dark dialogue of deceit
That creeps in your dreams while you sleep and makes you scream
I am the purveyor of all of your wildest dreams and fantasies
But don’t think I won’t take a machete to your opinion of me
Sit down motherfucker; you think I care what you think?
You’re expendable just like the rest; I’ll throw your ass out with the kitchen sink
You wanted to experience the darkness within me
You just put a suicide bomber in the fucking pilots seat (KAMIKAZE)
People have always told me that living well is the best revenge
Well this whole album is about the laundry list of shit that I can’t stand
You’re just like, “Oh god, I guess Armando is pissed off again”
Bitch I’ve been pissed off since I was in fucking kindergarten
I have no filter; do you have a problem with that?
Fuck it, to thine ownself be true, that’s why I got that tat
I say what I wanna say and my psychologist promotes that fact
The psychotropics can’t even quiet the angst that I have
Yeah, 40 mgs of Geodon will keep me sane on the outside
But on the inside the Devil and God are having a fucking bar fight
And whoever wins is a product of whether I’m clean or not
So far I’m an atheist, so neither side has won a thought

You say I’m not a rapper
You say I’m not a poet
But what the fuck are you?
I haven’t seen you show it

There’s this condition I have that provokes me to rap
I invoke the spirit of William Burroughs but without the smack
That’s not to say that I’ve never been know to take a dab
Shit, I’d mainline a whole gram and chill out - I was bad
I know I’ve got problems, 100 for everyone of yours
But I’ve turned functioning in dysfunction into a chore
But people like me always keep coming back for more
So I’ve made sure to close all my windows and lock all of my doors
I’ve got this schizophrenic personality that never knows where it’s at
And a fragile mental state always on alert to not crack
I’m off that ketamine drip and back on that green tea fix
It’s nice to wake up in the morning and not feel like shit
Quitting was the easy part, maintaining it is the trip
But if I was back on that shit you wouldn’t be hearing this mix
Cuz you couldn’t get me out of bed with the jaws of life
Unless it was to piss, shit, score and get high
But I’m all about the struggle, it inspires the words that I write
I may be a sadistic asshole but I’m doing alright
And I may be manic as fuck but I’m more bark than bite
But if you’re going to talk down to me you better get your facts right
I don’t call you a hater, I call you a lesser form of life
Cuz you’re a parasite that feeds off of other people’s plights
Just to overcompensate for the emptiness you feel inside
And a constant resurgence of feelings of spite
But I share that struggle with you, we’re fellow soldiers in this fight
I speak for those who haven’t found their way into the light
Because I was on that same path and I didn’t like where it led
Being strung out of my mind with not a thought in my head
But now I’ve got the present of presence in the present
It’s like I’ve found the essentials of ecstatic essence
That still doesn’t stop my thought process from being demented
But I am who I am, so you better respect it
Track Name: Thirteen Ways to Skin a Cat
I stood and stared straight with my Adonis eyes
And never once took my eyes off of the prize
She had a gun in one hand and my heart in the other
She was a winter storm in a Los Angeles summer
I beat the heat sitting in the window seat
She sat on the driver’s side looking at me like a piece of meat
Ready for the feast she was about to eat
But devouring my heart was no easy feat
She said “you’re just another guy that wears his heart on his sleeve”
I replied, “You’re just another line in a song to me”
But this isn’t how I wanted it to be
She was the best part of being set free
I left it up to chance and look at where it got me
A sharp tongue like a knife ready to slice in deep
She told me leave the music but bring the cutlery
I kissed her neck and sliced open her arteries, jeez
That was deep and a little dark don’t ya think?
I don’t think I pay the shrink to exorcise the devils in me
These motherfuckers are doing push ups now, you see
My dark passenger is now in the driver’s seat
And he’s got an appetite for anything that bleeds
I’ve got a taste of this need that I have to feed
Cuz god forbid Jeffrey Dahmer from going hungry
My angst has a body count called a track listing

I guess my creative side has a sadistic streak
Little did you know it never left the building
It was just hiding in dormancy
While I quietly paid my dues with normalcy
But I think this situation is escalating quickly
I’m clean but my head is so fucking filthy
A couple pills later and I could go down like Heath
But I’m not letting your insecurities get to me
But when you walked through that door I forgot how to breathe
And when you talked to me I forgot how to speak
I usually don’t let things like this get to me
But I guess you were really someone worth losing
But that still doesn’t stop me from being angry
Doesn’t stop me from killing you metaphorically
I need to watch you bleed through the words that I speak
It’s how I deal with having to watch you leave
And it’s times like these where I think I need a drink
But it’s that type of thinking that leads me to ink
All my scars are written down on tattered loose leafs
Look no further if you want to understand my beliefs
I’ll scrawl it down just for you on a post-it note
“I love you dearly but you piss me off and that’s no joke”
I find myself doing the strangest things to cope
Like tying this mic cord around my neck until I choke
But I guess when it’s all said and done it was fun
Fun like the kind you get when playing with guns
I guess you were really right to turn and run
Cuz spelling “I love you” with knives isn’t normal, huh?
But isn’t normal just another line that we say
To quell the demons inside of us that keep us awake?
I know there’s darkness in us that we all keep tame
Cuz we don’t need the voices in our head to play the blame game
Or maybe I’m just starting to lose my shit
And this is my final attempt to maintain a grip
On the fractured pieces of my emotional state
Cuz this smile on my face is fucking fake
But what did you expect from a monster in a cage?
I’ll tell you what you get, pure, unadulterated rage
Don’t pretend like you’re here to see me act tame
You pay to see me spill my guts out on the fucking stage
Track Name: The Guillotine
This pain is secondary, I’m used to misery
But what you put me through was more like a guillotine
And a life without you at the time was a pipe dream
But when you hung from your neck I held onto my screams
The silence I purveyed tore me from the inside
A license that you claimed when you came into my life
And the prices that I pay for letting you get by
While cutting yourself open and smirking while you died
I’m at a loss for words while you’re at a loss for life
And even to this day I haven’t learned how to cry
I just let the pain sink and build up inside
Now I’m screaming through a microphone to expose your lies
You still haunt me in my dreams though I’ve paid the piper twice
It’s like nothing in this world will ever suffice
I’m moving mountains now with every word I write
But every song still echoes you and replenishes my plight
You used to call me “Casanova of the dark side”
But now I’m more like Romeo who never found the light
You were my Juliet who was never satisfied
Now I’m hiding in the shadows and embracing the night
With every song I write another piece of me dies
And resurrects as you wearing a disguise
I wear this cracked façade to hide my disgust
Because every smile I’ve made you’ve turned into dust
You had it in your head that there would always be an us
But when dawn turned to dusk you nailed your coffin shut
One night you realized you never wanted to wake up
And the ideas you instilled in me really fucked me up
You fostered this addiction like I fostered your pain
And remembering that night only drives me insane
I take the memories of you like a bullet to the brain
I chop them down, line them up, and snort ‘em like cocaine
You wore your heart on your sleeve; I wear mine at my thigh
There isn’t a drug in the world that can prevent this sigh
A noose around your neck was your way of saying goodbye
And I’ll never forget the final look in your eyes
I could never love you; I didn’t even know how to try
You believed there was a better place for you in the sky
But now I know there’s nothing there but a peaceful afterlife
And I’ve made my peace with you; I’m glad that you died
Track Name: Dear Hera
Dear Hera, did you know that I could fly
I guess those years of chasing you were a lie
But I’m a lone wolf who’s always been good at goodbyes
And it looks like you and I are out of time
Dear Hera, did it ever cross your mind
That I could really be a stand up guy?
But with you when I’m high I am high
And when I’m low I am six feet deep and ready to die

[Chorus:]
My scatter-bomb heart is armed to the teeth
Ready and willing to bite the hand that feeds
Cuz the hand that feeds forgot about me
And a lone wolf has got to eat
I’m a picture of doubt hanging on your wall
A wound that you doused with alcohol
Got an appetite for destruction that is ready to feast
Cuz a lone wolf has got to eat

Dear Hera, did those words ever touch your lips?
You know, the same lines that made me sick
I pleaded for you to just kill me quick
But you took your time and savored every little bit
Dear Hera, did you want me all to yourself?
Or was I just another book on your shelf?
Did you mind that my pages were all torn and frayed?
Did it hurt you when I walked away?

[Chorus]

Dear Hera, I’m a deeper shade of blue
Dear Hera, this is all thanks to you
Dear Hera, do these words ring true?
Dear Hera, I am so done with you
Dear Hera, I’m a deeper shade of blue
Dear Hera, this is all thanks to you
Dear Hera, do these words ring true?
Dear Hera, I am so done with you

[Chorus] (x2)
Track Name: The Freudian Slip
I need a girl with an imbalance
A bad habit like a talent
Cuz all I feel is malice
And I just want to feel gallant
I need a stage with a microphone
To keep me going strong
So I don’t feel so alone
So I can carry on
I need a crowd to sing along
With hearts on their sleeves
So I can write a song
For someone else but the trees
I need a pen and paper
To write down my reprieve
Cuz life is too short
To live every day so carefully

I need that feeling in my chest
The kind where I can’t rest
That feeling you call wired
I call that shit inspired
I need the blood in my veins
To be warm to the touch
To remind me why I rap
To remind me why I give a fuck
I need my head to be a mess
Cuz I work better with dysfunction
But it leaves my life a wreck
But I guess that’s how I function
I need you to hold me close
And tell me everything will be fine
Because I’ve never been good
And living through my own lines
I need you to see me for who I am
Friend, lover, hopelessly manic
Cuz we all need a plan
We can’t all be hopeless romantics
I need to not be so tragic
And smile a little more
That doesn’t sound so drastic
And doesn’t feel like a chore
I need to open my eyes
And learn to live a little bit
Take one day at a time
And not stress over stupid shit
I need to take a deep breath
Take a second and just rest
Live life in the moment
Cuz that’s all we ever get

I had a girl who made me balanced
A bad habit like a talent
But all I felt was malice
Even though she made me gallant
Track Name: I Dream of Murder [Bonus Track]
I dream of murder
I dream of gang rapes and guerilla warfare
I dream of loud explosions
I dream of gunfire
I dream of car bombs
I dream of corpses littering the streets
I dream of violence on the evening news
I dream of carpet bombings
I dream of grenade launchers
I dream of suicide bombers
I dream of rifles
I dream of bloodshed
I dream of torture
I dream of chemical warfare
I dream of chaos incarnate
I dream of World War 3
I dream of a nuclear holocaust
And one day my dreams will come true
Track Name: To My Dearest Julianna [Bonus Track]
Julianna,
For years you have been the apple of my eye;
the arbitrator of my demise.
The impact you have left on my life
is still visible in all aspects of my psyche.
The wounds you left upon my temperament
will scar me forever.
You are but a permanent fixture;
an immortal searing of my soul.

I have lived for you and I have died for you
since the evening of June 24, 2006.
Because of you I am building houses on top of sand
with every new relationship I have.
Am I setting myself up for betrayal
the way you set me up years before?
Am I wasting my time only to be hurt
and scorned once more?
These are the things I have to
consider now, Julianna.

You created this lonely soul on the brink of self-destruction
because that is what you were, Julianna.
When was it you decided that you were too good for the world and
that we no longer needed to be privileged with your presence?
When was it that you decided you were so above and beyond this life
that you could just so easily escape into this void?
When was it that you decided to be so selfish
as to remove yourself from this earth?
When was it this all occurred to you, Julianna?
When did these thoughts stain your subconscious and provoke action?

I never loved you!
I could never love you!
You couldn’t even bear love yourself
and now I cannot bear to love myself.
You have started me on this sick cycle
of self-degradation and self-mutilation.
I am the product of your will
and your actions alone, Julianna!
However, I will not allow myself
to play the part of your victim any longer.
I will no longer allow the nightmares of your haunting presence
to linger over me.
I have done nothing wrong by you, Julianna, except
to live out your will and deceit until now.
You are as dead to me as you are to the world
and I am washing my hands clean of your influence.
Maybe one day I will meet you in the shadows of hell; but,
until then you have no bearing over me anymore.
Goodbye and good riddance.
Track Name: Eulogy (feat. Elirose) [Bonus Track]
I could imagine your supple, brown skin
Lying on the soft white sheets of your bed
I listened to the way you wept
The way raindrops fall on a windowpane
I heard the way your voice sounded
It quivered with apprehension
I noticed the subtle, slow decay
That marked this fleeting feeling
I felt the pain as the knife went through me
It was as dull as cotton
I only wonder if you feel the same
Or is this feeling forgotten?
I dug my nails into my skin
To check if I was still alive
My heart was still breathing, though
So I held my chest all through the night
Your sweet serenity isn’t without a catch
I learned that the hardest way
For I mark this moment with an elegy
To note what has now passed away
Track Name: Beat [Bonus Track]
I.
I watched the youth of my generation fall away with the changing times
Done over by love, life, and the economy from which we thrive
Poisoned by the media, who deviously deceive
Torn by divorce; family values have now deceased
I watched the brightest and the best fall through the cracks
I saw them commit to a lifestyle from which they can never go back
I saw hopeless romantics torn by love and passion
I heard their cries and laments go unanswered
And for their descent they paid the worst price -
A broken heart, an empty spirit, and a series of lonely nights
I saw women and men starved for beauty,
caked in make up and photo-shopped thin
I saw their plastic parts armed with plastic hearts
featured on the evening news
I saw celebrities fall apart on the screen;
Their fame and fortune just a superficial thing
I saw my friends and fellow soldiers in therapy
Making headway into what prevents them from sleep
My generation beats the drum of a broken soul
In awkward unison with their broken hearts
In glorious melody with their unfulfilled potential
Their glory has been stolen
Their futures have been meddled with
and sanity’s presence has been removed
And into the dark, my generation strays;
Impassive and in debt to the hierarchies of society
The bastard, the addict, and the faggot unite
to revel in the waste, the shit, and the spite
To cry, crawl, and make their way
past a sick and sordid morphine parade
Where fools become gods in the eyes
of a sick, withdrawn junky’s screams and sighs
Past the piss-paved streets of gold
that cater to the rich and disparage the rest
With blood-stained breasts and bloodshot eyes
and our cinema-fixed, hasty minds
We hold our tongue along with our hopes
and settle disputes with fabricated anecdotes
To dig ourselves into a deeper grave
from which we may never be saved.

II.
Here lies the pigeonholed generation
Exceedingly exuberant despite its situation
The psych meds won’t work for long;
the anxiety will soon wear away
Prozac, Xanax, and Seroquel will cease to exist
for their means are one in the same
I saw the streets of Los Angeles riddled with saints
But none of them in God’s saving grace
I saw the backstreets of San Francisco
Where my generation roamed without direction
I saw the Lower East Side of Manhattan
Where the queers and poets remained vacant
The forefathers of this nation are no longer Washington, Jefferson, and Franklin
but instead the works of Ginsberg, Burroughs and Kerouac
have become our new national monuments
And the popes and presidents of our generation dissolve
Into the crack addicts and prostitutes of Skid Row
Defeated and reduced to inner city waste;
strangled and smothered by God’s loving embrace
I will both decry and defend my generation
and the generations that came before
And all of the things that they have done
which I overtly abhor
However, underneath all of the implicit transgressions
lies a truth, which we should all revel in:
We are the alcoholics; anonymous and God-fearing
We are the junkies; hungry veins aching for an escape
We are the faggots; stripped away from society
We are the deranged; fed with Lithium and put away
We are the liars; who know no truth but pain
We are the dreamers; who spend their days dreaming in vain
We are the atheists; godless and forgotten
We are the pacifists; prone to passive aggression
We are the depressed; sensitive to suicidal intentions
We are the beat, the battered, and the broken
We were shown no mercy; instead only how to blame
To our dark, sadistic, and twisted minds
you have created the monster you claim us to be
We are one -
and we are beat.