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Love + Other Drugs

by Social Anxiety

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about

This album is the product of 22 years of life, 10 years of drug addiction, 8 years of creation, and nearly 2 years of sobriety and all of the connections and relationships that were forged in and around all of that. This album exists as an exercise in exorcizing my inner demons that had plagued me for years. It is by no means perfect, and I am by no means fully content with it. But that's not the point of this album. It's supposed to reflect the madness, messiness, and utter chaos that comprised my drug addiction and the toxic relationships I made with fellow addicts during that time. These songs are about real people and the obstacles our relationships faced as I was trying to grow as a person while they remained stagnant in their ways. It is also about my own person struggle with letting go of the things that burdened me in my past and learning to love the person I am and make the best out of a bad situation.

I would like to thank my parents, for without their support even in my most difficult times, I would not have made it this far and be half the human being I am if they had not raised me as well as they did. I would like to thank my younger brother Alex, you put up with my inconsistencies as not only a brother but as a decent human being due to both my mental illness and my drug addiction, even before you knew I had a mental illness and drug addiction. You really took the brunt of my struggles at such a young and impressionable age and you grew from it and learned from my mistakes and became the charismatic, good-natured young man you are today. I would also like to thank my older sister Krystal, you weren't around to witness most of my mental instability due to college and living abroad, but having to hear about it and deal with it from such a great distance must not have been easy for you and I apologize. I know I don't say it enough but I do love you and I cherish our relationship, the good and the bad. I would also like to thank my cousin David, the man who got me into making music (although I don't think he ever expected I'd end up creating rap music) for his constant support and acting like an older brother providing direction when I was desperate and needed it the most (whether or not it was good direction is unimportant). I would also like to thank Grandma Flores, she doesn't even know what kind of music I make, but she loves me and supports me in everything I do. I would also like to thank my Nina Patti and Nino Tim, for treating me like their son and always providing guidance and support whenever it was needed, no matter how much I was acting like a pretentious ass. Most of my obscure film and music taste was passed down from them and I will forever be grateful to them. I would also like to thank Adrian and Gabriel, my cousins but basically the little brothers I was actually able to treat right because they didn't have to come home with me (sorry, Alex, we're cool now though, right?). Next, I would like to thank my cousin Ernie because his ferocity on the mic inspires me to grow as an artist. Next, I would like to thank my solid group of friends who put up with all of my bullshit yet still accept me even when I disappear on them for months at a time with no warning. They are listed as follows: Anthony M., Jason G., Dani O., Beatriz M., Jesus B., Joe M., Lindsey V., Miguel C., Elizabeth P., Yara G. and Joanna B.. I would not be where I am without the kindness and support of all of these people. They all truly transform my mediocre existence into something exceptional. Thank you all and I hope you enjoy my album.

credits

released February 27, 2014

Lyrics & Music: Armando Flores Jr. (Social Anxiety) and Ozzi (acoustic guitar on track 6)
Vocals: Armando Flores Jr. (Social Anxiety) and Yara (track 9)
Artwork: Jamee Varda of IRISandALICE

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Social Anxiety Los Angeles, California

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Track Name: Tales From the Astral Plain, Pt. 1
I sold you suicide for a rip off price
Bathed you in lies so you wouldn’t survive
Lowered your highs so you couldn’t thrive
Filled you with lows so you wouldn’t suffice
But you came at me like a lunatic with a knife
Armed and ready to fight for your life
Because my pessimism is rife
I should’ve just tried to abate your strife
I blame myself for your own blight
You wanted someone to last the night
Someone to hold you close and say everything’s fine
Because everything was always far from fine
Believe me, I wanted to be that guy
But sherm took a hold of both of our lives
And turned us into skeletons brought to life
By the embalming fluid that got us high
I’m a shell of myself hung from neon lights
On my heart reads a no vacancy sign
But you ignored that fact when you came inside
And turned my world inside out that night
I only wish I could’ve held on a little longer
Maybe then you wouldn’t be lyrics in a song or
Halfway between dead and gone or
A poster child for drug use gone wrong
You’re a human with survival intentions
With a cancer in you spreading like an infection
I’m humane with my brand new methods
Hellbent on understanding our misdirection
I’m sorry for always leading you on
I’m sorry for letting you get caught up in that storm
But my sorry’s are getting old and worn
And the fabric between you and I is torn
Track Name: BusySignalOnTheSuicideHotline
There’s this monster that lives under my bed
But he’s really just an idea that lives in my head
From all the doom and gloom that causes me to twitch
This music is like chicken soup for the sick…
Go home little boy, this lifestyle is a ploy
You’ve made your bed, time to sleep in it boy
I’m erratic and dramatic and adjusting to bad habits
When I give you a chance to quell this madness
It’s habitual, insurmountable, and unaccountable
When I try to unravel the past and all it counted for
What is it that I adore?
Love is the only thing that I implore for
I’ve spent my time moving forward
While taking three steps back towards the door
And if I take another four steps more
I know which end I’m heading towards
To my bitter demise, under a pale blue sky
I met my end in her brown eyes
And if I must say, it’s a fitting way to die
Halfway through a seventeen mile drive
When all you wanted to do was embrace the night
With good company and a jar of moonshine
But isn’t it just like me to focus on the past?
When I known damn well there’s no going back
I’ve been looking for someone to cut me some slack
But I guess there’s no one who’s up for the task
My antics are frantic when I try to reinvent the static
And turn it into music to soothe my panic
But I swear I’m drastically demanding in my tactics
When I don’t resort to being sycophantic
But leave it to me to come off as romantic
When this darkness embeds all of my actions

You asked me, “How long will we be alone?”
I replied, “Until you’ve really learned to let go”
You found comfort in the wisdom of a gentle soul
With the capacity to make his agony show
My arms are the place where bleeding hearts go
To find the seeds of compassion that I have sown
Little did I know, there was always room to grow
Despite all of the inner workings of my woe
And woe is me, I’m a living tragedy
At least that’s what I’ve led myself to believe
I keep coming apart at the seams for the world to see
But everyone who watches just ignores my pleas
My life is anti-climactic – I’m the sum of my bad habits
When I put my pain into words it comes out like magic
But when I’m at my worst it’s little more than a distraction
And when I’m at my best I am bleeding with passion
I’m a liar who carries around honest intentions
A teacher exploring never before seen methods
You’ve got some scars you’ve failed to mention?
We’ve all been through hell in our own dimension
I keep holding on to an idea of what never was
The fall from this height feels like a crush
I swear I’d do anything to just fall in love
But I keep avoiding the inevitable plunge
And that kind of fear is inherent in me
Every living creature dies alone it seems
I’ve been known to write messages that come out depressing
In an effort to keep your eyes from undressing me
Because letting you get close is something to avoid
Now tell me what’s left of me that I haven’t destroyed?
I keep painting my life through words in a different hue
While everyone around me bows out and bids adieu
If I thought this were hopeless I wouldn’t go below this
I keep trying to recreate a sort of bliss that I’ve imploded
And I’m one part awkward; two parts manic
When I’m itching for these songs to come out organic
But I know this feeling in my chest won’t leave so easily
Because the heart in me started to corrode recently
It just doesn’t work when I try to control everything
But nowadays I’d like to think I’m on the upswing
I’m a master of the art of knowing when to disappear
But I’d be a fool to think that I am in the clear
You’ve been searching for someone whose meanings were sincere
But I’m just fighting for the chance to finally cohere
Cuz all I ever wanted was to feel like I belonged
But now all I want to do is get up and move on
The bitterest parts of me keep coming out in songs
In a last ditch effort to make them move along
Track Name: This Isn't a Fucking Disney Movie - It's Real Life!
She was the seed of this ghost town, broke down and choked up
With a scar across her jugular from when she got her throat cut
But she was beautiful, make no doubt about it
But her addictions ran together, she couldn’t live without them
This is the story of Beauty and the Low-life
A stones-throw vice confessional about a cold knife
She hailed from the city of fallen angels and broken glass
But all the drugs in the world can’t fix a broken past
He saw the sky in her eyes, but why was it raining all the time?
He tried to delay her demise, but that was a mountain no man could climb
He saw her die inside, and he tried to abide by her cries
But he spiraled downward too and there went his life
He tried to be her knight in shining armor but the armor rusted
From the amount of vodka drank and PCP he dusted
He laid down next right to her when she slapped the patch on
The both of their thighs and that’s when they said so long

She became a skeleton for hire, without a thought to inspire
He became her enabler, a victim of her life on the wire
She was a starving artist, anorexia was her canvas
He painted his sins with a needle stretched out on their mattress
She was the Queen of Hearts, and fentanyl tore her apart
He looked for every reason to depart, so sore was his heart
She played the game and lost, she cried herself to sleep
He lifted off without her, trying to escape this pipe dream
She hated her life, oh what became of this beauty queen
He resigned to their demise, and just gave up without fighting
She left this planet without a thought engulfed in a phencyclidine dream
He couldn’t manage his pain without swallowing his greed
She ruminated on their love, and where it went astray
He tried to bring her back to life, but she was much too far away
She was too far out of this world, she left without a trace
He lost sight of her, and so he fell quietly out of place
Track Name: They Probably Have a Pill For That
How many angels can you fit on matchstick?
Six lucky figures from a Jesus juice habit
She was a pretty girl, was told all her life
Everything came free; vanity was her vice
All she got for Christmas was a Vicodin kick
Spent New Years Eve amongst her vomit and shit
Spent Valentine’s Day looking for replacements
But ended up huffing paint in her mom’s basement
She went back to Vicodin later that night
Hydrocodone sickness is habit that bites
After the storm came the petrichor
The thing about Vicodin is you always want more
She went to the doctor and stole some scripts
And eventually got caught forging it
She ended up getting two years in Chino
But she didn’t learn a goddamned thing though

[Chorus:] (x2)
One pill to calm me down
Two pills to drown you out
Three pills to remove the doubt
Four pills to even me out

How many pills can you fit in your mouth?
Hers was a fire that could not be doused
She fell in love with her habit out of spite
To spit on everyone she loved with all her might
She caught my attention at a burner party
She dug me cuz she thought I was artsy
I fell for her enchanted sense of style
And the pills in her pocket held me over for a while
But I wasn’t down to get involved in her games
But the pills in her hand were calling my name
I kept her company out of shame
Cuz the pills she supplied kept me tame
But then her habit got out of control
The hospital became her second home
I walked away when she tried to bring me down
Two weeks later she upped and left town

[Chorus] (x4)

(x4)
She was waiting for the day it would no longer rain
But the pills in that bottle kept calling her name
Her habit was like an eternal flame
Tried to help but not everyone can be saved
Track Name: Yes Darling, This is an Interrogation
She wrote me a song to save for a rainy day
But the chords that came out all faded away
She sang a tune of respiratory depression
A ballad of succumbing to the spirits succession
I tried to vibe with her life to little or no avail
But after a shot or two her mind set sail
For a vacant space on the astral plain
A world where her vices didn’t need to abstain

I was just a fellow passenger on this ride
Addiction is a nice way of saying you’ve lost your mind
But don’t we all lose it from time to time?
It’s the only way to make our highs seem more sublime
She was drunk off love like it came in glass
Little did she know these feelings don’t last
The sickness in her stomach was a symptom of the past
That she tried to run from but not so fast

She wrote me a song to save for a rainy day
But the chords that came out all faded away
She sang a tune of respiratory depression
A ballad of succumbing to the spirits succession
I tried to vibe with her life to little or no avail
But after a shot or two her mind set sail
For a vacant space on the astral plain
A world where her vices didn’t need to abstain

Her heart was a chamber filled with denial
Chained to the wall like her spirit was on trial
Time in time out, she was the pinnacle of doubt
Getting drunk off Grey Goose until she blacked out
I asked her where she got the sores around her mouth
She said she was “just trying to get by downtown
But five dollars will only get you far these days
Especially when you’re itching for a lasting fade”

She wrote me a song to save for a rainy day
But the chords that came out all faded away
She sang a tune of respiratory depression
A ballad of succumbing to the spirits succession
I tried to vibe with her life to little or no avail
But after a shot or two her mind set sail
For a vacant space on the astral plain
A world where her vices didn’t need to abstain

At the age of 23 she contracted AIDs
From a drunken night spent in downtown LA
With a guy who got more for than what he paid
I know her story is already sounding cliché
But she still hasn’t hit the bottom of that bottle
She’s still drinking her tequila shots full throttle
You think she would’ve learned her lesson by now
But what has she got left to care about?
Track Name: Tonight I Watched a Man Die In My Arms
I’ve been searching for a purpose
You were searching for something perfect
I’ve been searching for a purpose
You were searching for something perfect

I’m a testament to the shattered shards of glass
You left behind as your make-up façade cracked
A filler in time, your whole life began to unwind
I can’t get this right no matter how much I rewind
The tape, I’ve played it back so many fucking times
I’m still following this crime hoping the killer is fine
But there’s a part of me that died inside
When I found out you didn’t make it out alive
And here I am, I guess I’m alive and well
But you’re a sorceress and I am under your spell
You tried to make the most out of your barbiturate high
Never knowing that the end for you was nigh
The best and the brightest tend to lose their minds
When they see something worth opening their eyes
But nowadays all I’m trying to do is close mine
Because I see too much and it kills me inside
And there you are, a memory of a better time
When a foolish boy looked like a god in your eyes
And those eyes glowed grey in the sunshine
But you’re past the point of being revived
And I’m past the point of getting over your slight
I still remember you riding away that night
Now all that’s left is just a figment in my head
But I suppose some things are better left unsaid

Now I’m all choked up because of what happened
I’ve left a body count behind my drug addiction
Another victim to claim, another friend I’ve left
Leaving gets easier when you make it a habit
Every beautiful word I’ve said has been plagiarized
From the devil inside that provokes these words to life
Another pill to take, another mountain to climb
I’ve become so numb from these blood-soaked lies
You will know me by the trail of dead I’ve left behind
But the Remeron keeps my lizard brain polarized
The only thing I know how to do right is survive
But I suppose it’s a skill that keeps me alive
And I suppose you were the one who could’ve made it all right
But you were the same one who found comfort in a cold knife
Pressed against your flesh, you’re pressed against mine
We do what we can to make it through the night
I always knew your type, you were ride or die
I just didn’t know you’d really be this uptight
And I keep searching for a place in this world despite
The better part of me knowing things won’t be alright
So now I just try to get out of my head when I write
But I keep writing about all those who gave up on life
As if the memory of their demise would really suffice
Or maybe I’m just avoiding becoming another one of
My own lines, that shit happens all of the time
When I just try to make my own planets align
If I said I’d surrendered control I’d be lying
I’ve surrendered nothing to no one this whole time
Except the will to drive off of the cliffside
With your hand in mine, we talked about it all the time
On love and other drugs lying side by side
When our reason to use was just to get by
But I’ve grown since that time and the time you died
I’ve made a mountain out of the mud the universe supplied
I’m the captain of this ship and I’m steering it right
My passion bleeds through the words that I write
If this pen could light a fire the whole world would ignite
And revel in the darkness that I bring to light
Some people are born to stay grounded; others take flight
And I am aiming for the stars tonight
Track Name: Tales From the Astral Plain, Pt. 2
We re-entered the atmosphere and ignited into flames
I thought our heavenly bond might keep things the same
But I guess I was wrong, because everything changed
Cuz the astral plain continued to call out our names
However, you and I were both eons apart it seems
I lived in a fairytale; you lived in a wounded dream
But nothing matters when you’re a part of the murder scene
We’re all just ants in comparison to the grander scheme

So here we exist; another sad story to tell
I left you alone to deal with your summer spent in hell
A k-hole compromised to sedate your own sad life
A friendship comprised of chemicals we had inside
And here I am, another sequenced pattern of vice
Please believe I would’ve done anything that sufficed
But you got caught in a riptide I just couldn’t fight
It helped you commit to your most elegant slight

I’ve spent some time alone to get used to this blight
I’m rotting to the core can I please get some light?
I’ve got a sinking feeling in my stomach; it says I’m trite
I just want you to know that everything will be alright
And there you are, just a shell of your former self
You’re just tattered remains stored somewhere on a shelf
It took me twenty and half years to act like myself
It’ll take you another twenty and a half to find yourself

Welcome to another rainy day spent with the scum of LA
Our friendship was a photo that fades as soon as you look away
Our memories return as you come out of your hallucinated daze
I hope that all you’ve done to yourself is just a passing phase
I can’t wait around for you to rescind your steady demise
I’m looking to one day mean the world to the right pair of eyes
But I no longer need to be enveloped by your web of lies
I held on for as long as I could but fucking Christ –
Leaving never gets easy but it’s getting impossible to stay
Look at the fabric of our friendship, it’s all torn and frayed
You jumped into the abyss with both feet and said “anchors aweigh”
But I won’t be another victim for the K-Hole to claim
Can’t you see that I keep growing while you just stay the same?
I wanted us to grow together but you were playing a different game
If this is love, it hurts so much and the pros are way overplayed
The cons keep pulling you down and now you just can’t be saved
Track Name: Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse, and...
I left this world in the back of a hearse
Kissed death on her lips like we were cursed
You wanted to jump, I said, “I’ll go first”
Wrote my suicide note in the form a verse
This is the essence of depravity
I’ve caught onto the inconsistencies of reality
Made my way through the muck and the mire
And discovered the products of my desire
I’m in close proximity to insanity
My delirium is rooted deep in my vanity
You can touch me all you want but I’m not really there
You can scream all you like but in the end no one cares
I’m just a patient traveler of the astral plain
The devil and god are raging inside of my brain
You weren’t looking for love, just someone to blame
I’m not down for being your patsy today

Our robotussin eyes matched our liquored up lies
I only did what I had to do to survive
Armed with cough syrup to tranquilize your drive
The only way to escape this life is to get high or die
That’s what you said when the cards were stacked against
You and I, we were like Bonnie & Clyde on Dextromethorphan
The voices in my head sound like the chorus of the dead
We had a secret to hide; I think it’s time to show them
This is me wrapped up in all of my greed and insincerity
I’m the worst person when I bleed just to catch a reprieve
Can’t you see that I didn’t like what I was becoming?
I had to go through hell to see what hand was worth showing
It turns out the deck was stacked in favor of me growing
I had to leave behind the seeds of life that you were sowing
You found comfort in that bottle, a legal remedy
In an effort to escape your life-long agony
But that just leaves me in between a rock and a hard place
To face what life has left me with or to escape
That’s the pessimist’s dilemma, to be or not to be
If life weren’t this difficult would it still be worth living?
I’m searching for a means; you’re searching for an end
You hoped this wasn’t really happening but it is
I’m searching for a purpose; you’re searching for a fix
You couldn’t face reality while I learned to get a grip
Track Name: Angels With Dirty Faces (feat. Yara)
It was a tragic affair for the girl with black hair
An angel with jet-black intentions to bear
Her cries were like thunder claps and desperate gasps
She clung onto life like a syringe to clasp
I was the frog turned prince from a kiss on the lips
She was my broken bride frantically trying to get a grip
On this thing called life, it’s a reindeer game
When everything that comes out of your mouth sounds the same
I may be paranoid but you’re the one to blame
With a needle in your arm digging for a working vein
It seems like I’ve come to terms with my mistakes
The best thing I ever did for me was walk away
You were a hard habit to break, I won’t lie
But our love affair was just another opiate high
You would’ve sold me for a fix in the blink of an eye
But I’ve never been the type to let sleeping dogs lie

I just might close my eyes (x4)

Our chemical romance was tinged with opioid intentions
There’s a part of you that can’t love you failed mention
Our darkness intertwined and had a synergistic effect
But you never wanted love, you only hoped for death
I was comfortably numb; you played comfortably dumb
We got so high we could’ve been ignited by the sun
We got caught up in our lustful quest for angel dust
But the tension caused the tripwire we walked on to rust
I may be the liar but you were who lit the pyre
Your overdose catalyzed the events that transpired
You became an alcohol-soaked, Opana-doped ghost
A parasitic life form using me as a host
Became a shell of myself, trapped in my own kind of hell
Like Lucifer, there was no grace when I fell
But you were always looking for some sort of validation
And when you didn’t get that you still had your medication
You were a succubus with the taste of ether on your lips
And one arm attached to your grandfathers morphine drip
I left when I got the chance, how could you blame me?
At the end of the day we both knew you had it coming

I just might close my eyes (x4)
Track Name: You'll Never Take Me Alive!
I’m alone
Just like I’ve always been
Why should you care?
Well, you never really did
I was born into this mess
we call existence
This funny feeling
is a reality check
I’m the most capable
I’ve ever been
Of ending this catastrophe
that I’m in
I don’t care how dull
Your needle is
It’ll provide me the rest
I deserve to get
I’m on a collision course
With the end of the line
Cuz the end of this line
And I are intertwined
I’ve kept a steady pace with death
Feeling short of breath
I pull the needle out
Now to enjoy what’s left
I get a glaze over my eyes
I’m trapped in glass
My sweet demise
I found comfort in the end
I always had the feeling
This is how I would go
I’ve spent nineteen years too long
Coming short of gold

And now to welcome death’s warm embrace
The end cares for neither time nor place

Pull through Mando
Get it together now
You’ve got a reason to live
Whether or not you know it now
The light at the end of the tunnel is nearing
But it’s not your time to go yet
Shit, where is the Narcan
You’re not allowed to die just yet!
Keep breathing
Get air into your lungs
Get the needle into your vein
Let the plunger plunge
Let the naloxone enter your bloodstream
Come on Mando, stay with me
Please don’t go just yet
Don’t give up on me

You thought I was gone
But I’m not going out without a fight
Even with death calling out my name
I’m no one’s body count to claim
You can say what you want
But I am here to stay
Until the universe decides
To come take me away
If coming back from the dead doesn’t suffice
Then I’ll resurrect like
I’m Jesus fucking Christ
Arms pointed up to the sky
Yelling to god,
“you’ll never take me alive!”
not as long as I’ve got
this will to survive
it’s the fight that keeps me alive
it’s the fight that makes me thrive
it’s the fight that helps me survive
it’s the fight that makes it worth the fight
and I’m not dying tonight
not when there are battles left to fight
and mountains left to climb
I plan to soar to new heights
You’ll all be looking up to me
In little to no time
Just wait and see
I’m gonna bring it alright?
And when I do
You’re all going to understand
Why some people have to struggle
In order to be them
I’ll beat the odds
Cuz you weren’t counting on an upset
The storm I bring with me
Will make you sick to your stomach
I’m just going to be me
All the way to the end
But with that said,
I’m gonna cause a mother fucking ruckus!